I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
