My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
