Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
