I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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