We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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