I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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