Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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