Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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