And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
