I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think pants incapable of making pants work
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
