hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
