I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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