I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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