My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
