dude i'm inner monologue high
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
