Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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