I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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