You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
