my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
