never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My vagina is very pro this idea
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
