Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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