He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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