You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
