Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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