Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
