why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
