some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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