He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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