Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
