bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
