So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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