you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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