If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
