I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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