Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
