Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
