I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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