Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
