His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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