The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
