I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
