Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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