after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
