I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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