3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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