Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
