I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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