do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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