i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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