honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
